Time is 10 pm now. As i give exercise to the backspace key of blesson's lap, after writing something over and over again, one thing is clear- I feel agitated. The cold that i just got by drinking that chilly water from cooler might be one of the reasons for it. No, that is just not it. When you personally know that you are going the wrong track of your life, and are making stupid decisions that will alter your future, there is a sense of disgust which arises that makes life disturbing. Every time you look at the mirror, the eyebrows get sharpened, the serious nature becomes more dominant. As they say, face is the manifestation of your mind. Some people are good in faking, but i am not, when i am disturbed it shows in whatever i do. I feel like i am caught up somewhere unsure of which bus to take in a bus stand. Everyone beside me seems to be taking the right buses. But i am stuck in that rusty bus stop in  a never ending rain that makes me shiver. When we are unsure about the next step, when we feel alone in a crowded place, when we start making the habit of breaking promises- there is something that happens, you start loosing your self respect. 

                       There are times in our lives where we sit back and think about our past, we wonder how different were things back then. When i was a young child all i wished was to grow up, to be like my Achan or chettan - people who were occupied with things to do lists and commitments. I used to imagine back then how my grown up days will be. I hated the tag of being a child then, i wanted to be there in the world of grown ups. To make my name resounding, to have some real action -- yes it seemed all fun to my eyes.

                                               While craving for my growth , i didn't realized that i was loosing my childhood, i didn't realize i was loosing my innocence, i didn't realize i was missing out on the best part of one's life. And yes i regret it today.. I regret it badly. No matter how many significant events have gone passed in my life i still have those random pictures of childhood flickering through my mind. The first time i went to a school-- It was raining a lot, Amma hold me strong in her hands, i didnt' wanted to leave the comforts of home, but suddenly i was plunged into the hands of some sisters who grabbed me from amma. I felt like it was the last time i am going to see her, my eyes became moist. I was so sensitive during those times, even trivial things affected me- it's funny though i still carry a bit of that in me.

                                              I also remember an event that used to horrify me during childhood, it was one of the most saddest days of my childhood days -Achan had a long stick in his hands that day, he beated me like nothing as i pleaded for mercy. It was more painful than mere beating as Achan never used to beat me, he never even used to be angry at me. But that day all hell broke loose, as the stick showered some hefty blows below my knees. Now i look at that day and understands that my father was not being a dictator, he was just doing his duty of correcting me.

                                             The memories that stick into our head are usually sad ones, we never really remember the good ones and complains to god for tormenting us failing to see the good things he has given us. There was this instance of me cheating my class teacher over submission of homeworks, i cheated her downright for 1 year -- I was the class leader that time and she always asked me to count the number of home works kept on the table. I would go about doing the job adding 1 to the count to save me. She was such a nice teacher and always had kind encouraging words for me. One day I gained the courage to tell her what i was doing , but sadly could only find another teacher in her cabin. I then learned that she left the school and joined another school as teacher. I did see her after many years and thought that i will finally confess to her my deeds -- strangely she didn't recognise me. So my confession goes untold.

                                          Little things fills our priority lists when we are children, buying bubble gum  not for chewing but for collecting the cricketers card, fighting with dozens of friends to have a go at the Super Mario video game, waiting for the muddy pot to get filled with coins, waiting for a vishu to get money from elders and have a blast with crackers, flying the hand made kites during onam vaccations , cursing the rain for ruining a days play , watching tom and jerry instead of having the break fast, waking up early to see if the little seed planted had sprouted -------------------  Yes the list goes endless. I know there are different stages in our life and each have their own significance, but childhood in my view is still the best.

                                           These days when i do something irresponsibe in nature Achan always says "You are no more a child, Remember that" . I do remember that Achaa, but can't help missing those good old times. I read this somewhere which made a great impact to me " Live every moment of your life with your mind focussed on the present, so you don't regret your past in the future"



Thats all folks

With love
Krishna Sangeeth

Huh, Finally I am here in the long awaited blogosphere. Recently my mind has been filled with these ideas of blogging. Not because every Tom, Dick and Harry I know is into blogging. But probably I feel that sharing one's thoughts and experience with the world is an interesting and nostalgic thing to do. It is an elevating and enjoyable process - something that will give some exercise to my dying greycells .

By thought and feelings I don't mean that i will be filling my blog with daily dose of diary writing. I know that many would do that but I think it's too gross. After all what is the point of writing a diary if we were to show it to others. This blog will be something different, but don't expect too much because among the little talents I have , literary writing doesn't figure in at all.

Well since I don’t have much of an idea for my first post, I thought I will give a self introduction about me.

Ok I will start with my name, it is Krishna Sangeeth . There's a strange story that my mother narrated to me once about how I got it . In my naming ceremony(28th day after birth) my father's and mother's family assembled together to give a name to that bright little kid. Unfortunately both party thought that the other group has found a good enough name for me. When the preist who conducted the ceremony asked my father for the child's name he gave a blank look to my mother which she returned courteously. To solve the immediate crisis everyone present there started making instant suggestions.(Thank god there was no sms back then, they might have put an sms poll) After a long discussion my parents came up with two names one was Krishnan and other was sangeeth. Krishnan was the name of my grandfather, so that is how they got it. My mother wanted to teach me music ( which she later understood as a tough nut to crack!), so she insisted on sangeeth.
My uncle who was hearing all this suggested the idea of coining both the names and making it "Krishna Sangeeth". That's how I got my name.

I have had some memorable experiences regarding my name. Some really enjoyable and some totally embarrassing. Usually when people ask me to tell my name I have a habit of rushing through it. There were instances where I was made to repeat the name 5 or 6 times. I used to get a weird feeling back then, but now I am quite used to it. And now I know that there are certain names which are tougher than mine to understand at first like "Pradyoth"(a friend of mine who eventually got more "what" expression for his name than mine).No offence dude just couldn't find another name to slam.

There was a point in my life where I started hating my name. It was when a television soap serial started called "KRISHNA", all my classmates used to make fun of it calling that it's the name of a girl. I really wished to put my fist to the nose of all those who told that during those days. I think I would have cursed everyone from the actors who acted in it to the director of that serial. Well that event led to my unchangeable dislike of prime time soap operas.

Another fiasco happened when some one apparently made a call to my house. I took that call and the guy asked in polite tone
"Is this the house of Krishna sangeeth?"
"Yes", I replied
"Is krishna sangeeth a boy or girl?"
"Boy.What's the matter", I yelled through the phone
"I'm calling from Tagore Library. We're giving away prizes to all students got full A+"
"I was not sure whether to add Mr. or Miss in front of your name in the certificate"
"It's Mr.", I hung up the phone

I felt at that moment that I should reject the award from that library. Then my father reminded me it is not a Nobel prize or anything to call it a rejection. He also told they are giving cash prize which changed my mind. A 1000 bucks wont hurt my sense of pride.

Among these awkward incidents there were also some good moments in which people really complimented me on my name. They definitely out number all the humiliating experiences. But as true human nature Is we only remember the shameful experiences of our life and forgets the good things that happened along.

May be Shakespeare got it right when he said "What's in a Name?", It’s the one thing which you have no control in our life. No one takes the opinion of child when they are going to name it, the maximum a child could do is probably cry like hell when he hears an awful name during the naming ceremony. But there are some people who takes even the child's cry as a good shakun. Yes, it's true the most important part of our identity , our name - we 've have no control over it.

But as for me , I am quite happy and contend with the name I own. I can look skywards and shout "My name is krishna sangeeth"(in true filmy style). My name might not be suggesting anything about what I am, People may like it or dislike it, but it still carries the memory of my grandfather, my mother's wish and last but not the least my identity. And I love it!.


PS: With god's grace I have been blessed with many other name's at various stages of life , some by my family members and some by my "Friends". Each unique and special. They do have some strange stories to tell and are all close to my heart.